Belated 2nd Blog Birthday

 

MY BLOG TURNED TWO ON THE 26TH OF DECEMBER!

I just wanted to say thank you so so much for following my blog, I cannot express how much all of your comments, interaction and follows mean to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!  

When I first decided to start a blog, I honestly thought that no one would read it and that my content wouldn’t interest anyone but you guys do and it means the world to me.

This blog has encouraged me in more ways than I ever thought possible; my blog has given me a voice, a place and a reason to write. I LOVE that this blog allows me to interact with people about books…AHHHH BOOKS…I f***ing love books!

I am so grateful to all the publishing houses that contact me, the brands and independent authors. (Feel free to message me)

I love hearing what you guys have to say, I absolutely adore when you comment on my posts and most importantly I love love love it when we chat about books.

I also just wanted to thank you to everyone that is supportive when I write about my person life and anxiety/depression. You guys make me feel loved.

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The Happiness Tag

Thank you to the amazing Hannah over @alluringalaskabeauty for tagging me. She is awesome, go and check her out. Basically, the tag is easy – all you have to do is list

  • 5 things that make you happy 
  • 5 songs that make you happy 
  • 5 nominees to complete the tag

5 THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1.Reading –I had to put this first because it means so much to me. Not only do I enjoy reading because it entertains me but I also use reading as a form of escapism and it has helped me out a lot in life. It might sound absolutely crazy but, by being able to connect with characters who are feeling the same as me or going through something in their lives which I can relate to- it makes me stronger as a person because it teaches me a way to organise my emotions. I also love buying books- old/new just give them to me!!

idiva_025.gif2.Spending time with my family&friends. – I do love my family/ friends and spending time with them makes me soo happy. Rekindling old friendships also makes me soo happy, my anxiety always makes me think that people hate me and I often pull myself away or push people, if I feel like I am bothering them. So, I also find it refreshing when I start suddenly talking to one of my old best friends and realise that actually,it wasn’t me that destroyed the friendship but in fact I was either overreacting or we had just had not spoken in a while. I actually sound pyschotic, sorry!

3.Pugs- I am actually obessed with pugs. They are soo ugly and adorable and I want to own like 10 of them haha… (I even have names- 1. Gerald, 2.Alan, 3.Ivy, 4.Ronnie, 5.Reggie and 6. Gastby) I nearly got myself one the other day but my landlord crushed my dreams and said I wasn’t allowed any pets but on the plus side, my mum said she will buy me one when I graduate.

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4.EXPLORING- I love getting out of the house and exploring different places, I also love walking- so I just stick my headphones in and walk. 

5.You Guys- Every time one of you comments on my post or like them, my heart warms. I love you guys!!! I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU ALL AND SAY THANK YOU.  I gained like 600 followers in May and when I think about it, I wanna cry! Hahaha, so if you wanna be my friend- comment below.

 

5 SONGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

  1. Unsteady by X Ambassadors  

This song doesn’t actually make me jump up and down in happiness but I am loving it at the moment and it feels me such strong emotions because it makes me think of ‘Me Before You’ as it is on the soundtack.

2. Bonfalleralla by Afasi och Filthy

This song makes me think of ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ which I am still obsessed with  and it makes me think about my trip to Amsterdam for my 19th birthday with my sister because we put a locket with our names on, on TFiOS bench. This is also a song that motivates me to push myself harder at the gym.

3. Money by Pink Floyd 

This song just makes me think of my childhood because my dad would always and still does (when I visit him or he comes to see me) blast Pink Floyd out of the speakers and I don’t know why but this one is my favourite.

4. Hands To Myself by Selena Gomez 

I listen to this song every time I am getting ready to go out, it just makes me soo happy.  I just like the beat to this song.

5. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Nostalgia- back to my TEAM EDWARD DAYS.  This song just represents a massive part of my life that gave me soo much joy.

I TAG

(If you have already done it, its fine. I just tagged you because I love your blogs, go and check them out people. Also, if you want to do this tag , go ahead but please do let me know, so I can see  it AND if you want me to check out your blog… comment below.)

  1. @Clockworkbibliophile
  2. @notcapulet
  3. @Inkyspells
  4. @Driftinglexi
  5. @agirlrecommends   (cheating here) 
  6. @Thebander(b)log
  7. @Thenotsosecretlifeofafangirl

(forgive me for taggign two extra people, I am sorry!!)

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Super scared and seeking support…

I want to try something new and put myself out there because I really want my passion for books, life and happiness to shine through and although I hope my blog already emphasizes these qualities. I want to push myself further and perhaps try and video blog on YouTube.

I am just super worried about being overly awkward and shy, if I posted a video about my August ‘to be read books’ or ‘my top five favourite books’ (or something along those lines)  would you lovely follows watch it and give me criticism?

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My fear level at the moment is Ron + spiders.

I would love for you to get to know me more and I believe this will help my confidence and allow me to prove (to myself) that I can do anything I desire with determination.

Want to help me achieve getting over my fear? 

Support me and lets go on this adventure together…

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Dear anxiety, please stop stealing my social life…

This is a bit of a personal post and I am sorry about being absent but my first year university exams took over my life. SO SORRY, I LOVE YOU ALL. 

A few weeks ago I went out on a night out with my university flat mates and in hindsight I really should not have gone because I wasn’t really feeling a night out.  I am an introvert at heart and some social situations really drain me and all day I was feeling drained from reality. Drifting through the day in a dream like state, my mind was overwhelmed with perplexing thoughts and crippling anxiety with regards to my coursework load and the dreaded aspect of exam looming over my head.  However I am also the type of person that cannot say no to people if they want to me do something (within reason) , so I put on a happy persona and acted like everything was okay, when in reality all I could think about was crawling into a dark corner and crying for a while.

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So as the night progressed I continued to act happy and focused all of my attention on making sure my flat mate Natalie was okay (both of us had just returned to university after our granddad being terrifyingly ill). My mum and step dad always joke around that I am like an agony aunt because my friends always seem to come to me, I know everyone hates to see other people sad but when people I love and care about are trapped within their own sadness I feel like I HAVE to make them happy. I feel compelled to make them feel loved and know I am there for them because I know what it is like to be consumed by complete and utter loneliness.

I continued to participate in the drinking games while keeping an eye on my flat mate, she seemed like she was having a really good night so I just backed away and made sure I was there for her if she needed me. This one particular flat mate is prone to walking off on a night out and finding other people to be with, which I never mind due to the fact we are students wanting to met new people (definitely more her than me) and there was a group of us going out so I would be with someone…(or so I thought).

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A while after arriving at the club, two of my friends went upstairs to the rock and roll floor and Natalie and I  were downstairs with the more mainstream club songs dancing, at this point I was briefly enjoying my night, while dancing like a fool. One paradoxical thing about me is that I act like I really do not care what people think of me, so I can cut shaped like a fool on the dance floor but then seconds later my mind catches up with my actions and shouts at me to act normal.

I think this is what triggered my panic attack alongside with the feeling of suffocation due to the fact it was soo busy. If you do not know a panic attack is a sudden rush of adrenaline caused by an uncontrollable amount of anxiety. My friend also walked off with a boy so I left alone being pushed and shoved by drunk people which was making me feel really helpless, lost and suffocated. My heart began to palpitate an uncontrollable amount which was making it impossible for me to breath and steady myself. I remember becoming really dizzy and begging myself to find people to help me, I was trying to see through the tear in order to text people. I felt like such an idiot for being in the middle of a club and being nearly curled over with fear, with make up all over my face, while struggling to grasp any breath I could.  I somehow staggered upstairs to try and find my friends and when I did I nearly collapsed because everything had gotten too much; I could not see, hear or speak through the pounding of my heart, the lack of oxygen and the constant pool of tears. A bombardment of  negative  thoughts acted as constant reminder that I was being an embarrassment and that my friends would not like me anymore.  I had the urgent feeling that I needed to escape, I had to undo my shirts top buttons in order to gain some control and calm down. For some reason whenever I have a panic attack I find it comforting to rub my neck, maybe in that state of mind I think it will help to rub my neck with my shaky hands, I know it sounds silly and I cannot explain why I do it.

Part of me wanted to leave the venue but the other half did not want to ruin my friends night so when I regained control over myself I went to the toilets and cried there because I felt so weak and embarrassed by my actions. Later I found my friends again and acted like everything was perfect when in fact the whole night was eating at me and my anxiety levels were still on high alert, I felt too fragile.

We later found Natalie again after she walked off with a boy and she was crying about her granddad and although I desperately wanted to leave and be alone to wallow in embarrassment, I had to put my friend first and make sure she was okay.  So we got a taxi and I tucked her up in bed safety because she was far too drunk to collect her thoughts properly.

I just want anyone who is reading this to know that it is okay if you suffer with anxiety / panic attacks. Did you know 1 in 4 people suffer with a mental illness like anxiety? You will be okay, I promise. Normally I am a happy, chirpy person but sometimes my anxiety takes over and if that happens to you, please seek help because you should not suffer alone. Even if you want to talk to someone and feel like you have no one, drop me an email and I will try my hardest to help you out.  For a while I think I will stick to my books rather than going out to a club.

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